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“Their Kids Are Not My Responsibility”: Brother’s Refusal to Help Sister-in-law With IVF Treatment Sparks Debate. What Do You Think?

He is not ready to take responsibility for his sister-in-laws’s IVF treatments because their credit score is bad. 

A user asked the forum,  Am I a jerk for Refusing to pitch in money toward my sister-in-law’s IVF treatments and telling her and my brother that their future children are not my responsibility?  

BACK STORY 

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The original poster’s ( OP ) brother Reid and sister-in-law Nora has always wanted children. But they are unable to conceive naturally. 

 

WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM

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Nora had multiple ovarian cysts and eventually needed both ovaries removed as a teenager. OP says that Reid and Nora are in their early thirties and are very urgent about needing to try sooner than never because they say they are approaching an age where IVF success rates start to decline.

Because of Nora’s past medical issues, OP learned that she will need extra care, and her treatments will be costly. 

OP says that it would be a little over $27,000. Reid and Nora already have $9,000 in savings for IVF treatments. 

 

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? 

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OP addressed that Reid and Nora have raised $1,000 from friends, and OP said that the rest of the family was also pitching in smaller amounts. 

Also, OP’s mother is giving $2,000, Nora’s sister Lauren is giving $1,000, and her parents are giving $4,000, which leaves about $10,000.

 

WHAT DOES OP SAY

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OP also says that their insurance will not help to cover it because they don’t consider it a medically necessary procedure. OP added that Reid and Nora have also had difficulty qualifying for an IVF loan due to poor credit. 

 

THEY ASKED OP TO HELP

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Reid and Nora are asking OP to help because, according to the loan advisor, OP was allowed to take out the loan on Reid and Nora’s behalf.

OP says that $10,000 is a massive task for him. 

 

WHAT DOES OP FEEL

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OP feels that Reid and Nora have poor credit shows they already don’t have a good track record of paying back loans. When OP questioned why they didn’t ask Lauren, they claimed they couldn’t because she isn’t single and childless like OP.

OP feels that they see him as not having any dependents. OP’s mother and parents-in-law don’t have a lot of savings, and their earlier-mentioned donations were already a huge gift for them. OP feels it takes a long time to correct a bad credit score, making things much more difficult.

 

 

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? 

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OP says that he doesn’t want to take out thousands of dollars in a loan for a procedure with a good chance of not working. So OP refused to help and told them that their future children were not his responsibility. 

OP also says that he wanted to put his foot down now. 

Because OP feels that next, it’s gonna be private school tuition or a college fund, and that shouldn’t be his responsibility just because he was currently single and childless.

 

WHAT’S NEXT? 

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Nora was disappointed but told OP that she respected his choice. 

But Reid was angry; he told OP that he would remember this for when OP will be ever in a time of need so that he will know how it feels to have family turn their back on him.

 The rest of the OP’s family members have told him that, that they are not mad at me, but they are disappointed. 

 

OP DECIDED TO STAND BY HIS DECISION

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Nora worried for years that she would never be able to have children or be a mother.  OP agreed with their family members, saying that Reid and Nora would be wonderful parents and that it was not fair that they couldn’t conceive naturally. 

But OP stands by the fact that Nora and Reid’s future children not being his responsibility.

OP doesn’t think it’s fair that he should delay or give up the possibility of starting his own family in order to finance Reid and Nora’s.

 

YOU ARE NOT WRONG 

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 “And as a mom, I wonder if they can afford to have a child if they can’t even take a 10k loan.”

 

IT IS SHOCKING 

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“And they’ve (or at least Rebecca has) known for years that IVF would be necessary for her to bear children. If you can only manage to save 9000 over many years for something you consider crucially important — you can’t afford to be a parent.”

 

HOW WILL THEY MANAGE 

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“OP should ask to see their monthly budget for after the baby is born, one that includes payments to OP for the loan. Have these people even considered how much it costs to raise a child? Or are they of the mindset that they’ll have a child, and the money will somehow work itself out?”

 

THEY CAN’T DO IT 

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“It wouldn’t just end up being $10k. Daycare in our area is $27k annually for the first two years in a standard center-based daycare. That doesn’t include all of their clothing, food, medical expenses, or other expenses related to having a baby.

If they can’t pony up even half of the amount needed for IVF, they aren’t going be able to do it for everything else, either”

 

 

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