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She Is Confused As Brother-in-Law Turns Grief Into a COMPETITON. He Says, “Your Loss Isn’t As Bad Because You Didn’t Lose A Child”. Asks What Should She Do!

It is natural to experience unpleasant emotions when someone invalidates your feelings. For example, she feels frustrated when her brother-in-law tries to turn their briefings into competitions, and she has refused to attend his parties as a result.

A user asked the forum, Am I wrong for not wanting to go to my brother-in-law’s (BIL’s) daughter’s memorial birthday because he makes grief a competition?

BACK STORY

Couple incompatibility problems watching tv sitting on a couch at home

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The Original poster (OP) is a 20-year-old female with a BIL named John, who is 32 years old. John has been with OP’s sister for six years. 

But recently, OP’s relationship with BIL has gone down. 

What Else

Unhappy, upset or sad with a couple arguing on a sofa in their home living room about an affair or breakup. Depression, abuse or domestic violence with a woman thinking about divorce after a fight

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OP’s BIL had a girlfriend named Jane. When OP’s BIL was just 19 years old, he and his girlfriend were having a girl baby. Unfortunately, BIL’s baby died due to complications when she was just two months old. 

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

Amazed african man and woman with open mouths looking at camera over pink background

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Following the incident, OP’s BIL and his ex-girlfriend broke up. But every year, they meet up for lunch on the baby’s birthday. 

After meeting OP’s sister, John invites OP’s family for a small gathering on the baby’s memorial day. Even though OP’s family didn’t meet the baby, they just went to support BIL as he didn’t have a family. 

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? 

Teenage Girl Lying On Her Bed Looking Sick.

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When OP was just 16 years old, her boyfriend died suddenly, which was completely unpredictable. She was taking therapy and grief counseling. 

Past two years, OP’s BIL turned grief into a competition. It hurt OP as she looked to BIL as a role model regarding grief and moving on.  OP’s BIL doesn’t let her be sad, and he brings up how he lost his baby every time. OP felt it was way worse. 

HOW OP FELT? 

Man and woman shouting at each other at kitchen.

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OP was never pregnant or lost a child. So, she feels like she can’t pretend she knows how losing a child would feel. 

OP FEELS SICK

couple fight upset

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OP feels sick of hearing all those from her BIL.  Another incident that annoyed OP was that she said she lost her appetite last year. To which OP’s BIL said that he, too, couldn’t eat when he lost his baby. 

Also, he added that OP just lost a person, which is not as bad as losing a child. 

WHAT’S NEXT? 

Amazed african man and woman with open mouths looking at camera over pink background

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Again, OP’s BIL invited her to the baby’s memorial party, but she told her mom and sister she was not coming. 

She also explained to them why she was not coming.  Her mom and sister got upset and told her not to make it a big deal.  They said that it would be douchey of her not to come.

IT’S DISGUSTING 

couple disagreement

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“John has turned his grief into an annual theatrical event, forcing your entire family to attend as his captive audience. Sounds super performative and disgusting.” 

HE IS SEEKING ATTENTION 

Upset Woman Sitting On The Bed With Man In The Background. Woman and man having a disagreement, Young couple in a bed bored woman

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“He doesn’t want support; he wants attention. He was milking the situation, so people felt bad for him.

I’ve lost a pregnancy; it hurts. It does, but I would never turn it into an anniversary where I eat out with my ex and bring a low-income family into it too. It’s horrible, don’t go; if he doesn’t care about your loss and feelings, you don’t need to do the same.” 

IT IS NOT OKAY TO DEMEAN YOU 

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“He lost a child, and that’s terrible. But he’s not the grief expert and doesn’t get to be yours. His telling you “you just lost a ~person~” is disgusting and cruel. As someone who is also experiencing grief, he should have been there to support, not demean you.

I’m just going to throw this in there, too…the whole party thing. For 13 years, he’s been throwing this “event” on the baby’s birthday. Why? It doesn’t sound like it’s helping his grief, so is it just for attention so that he can remind everyone his loss is greater than anything they could have experienced?” 

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This article was originally published on Mrs. Daaku Studio.