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Nosy Parker’s Shut-Down Guide: 15 Brilliant Retorts to the Annoying Baby Question

When nosy relatives and acquaintances pry into your personal life, the question of when you’re having kids often pops up. While it’s meant to be a casual inquiry, it can be intrusive and frustrating, especially if you’re not ready to start a family or have fertility issues.

An internet user recently asked, What’s a good comeback for “When are you having kids”?

OP says, “People drive my wife and me crazy with it! We tried telling them stuff like “factory problem” and they say we should adopt or go to doctors… Aarrrggghh!!” 

And the responses people came up with were absolutely crazy! 

Make It Backfire 

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“After meeting your children, we’ve decided to not.” Said one. 

“This is super effective against your own grandparents.” Another added. 

Be Savage

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“My husband told my nosey aunt, “We like to practice a lot” lol that shut her up.” Said one. 

“This exactly! Told some cousins, “We’re not sure but we’re practicing!” With an enthusiastic smile on my face. We’ve never been asked by that side of the family ever again.” Another added. 

We Don’t Do That Here

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“Oh, we don’t do it that way.” Said one. 

“This is my go-to response for a lot of things when fending off my in-laws. “Why don’t you…” usually gets a “We don’t do it that way around here.” In reality, I’m defending my fiancée from the controlling tendrils they attempt to still exude on her. My family didn’t do things the same way hers did and she quickly discovered that she liked the way my family did stuff. Great comeback.” Another added. 

Make It Seem Like They Chose Death

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“When are you buying your cemetery plot?” Said one. 

“No joke my grandma loves to say “I just want to see my grandbaby have a baby before I DIE”… so as the oldest granddaughter, I finally asked when she thought that might happen. After all, if we’re on her schedule least she could do is provide a deadline. Shut her up REALLY fast!” Another replied.

Let God Be Your Savior

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“Religion worked for us. We used to say, “We believe in whatever God has planned for us.”  Worked like a charm.” Said one. 

“Yes. “When God wills it” was my go-to with my wife’s very religious family.” Another added.

Ask Money Questions

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“When are you going to offer to pay for them?” People shut up real quick when money is on the line.” Said one. 

“My MIL knocked it off once I told her if she cut me a $75k check I would get pregnant tomorrow.” Another added. 

The Threesome Technique

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“Why are you interested in our love life? Do you plan on joining us?” Said one.

“Yes, “Do you want to come to my next gynecologist appointment? since you’re so interested in what’s going on with my vagina.” Another added.

Make It Awkward

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“When are you losing weight? I’m sorry I thought we were asking inappropriate questions.” Said one.

“I’ll gain the baby weight when you drop yours. Lmao.” Another added.

The Straightforward Response

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“Why do you ask?”. This question forces them to think up a valid reason for asking.  Since there isn’t a valid reason to ask, it will make them uncomfortable. 

A few will ignore this clear signal to drop the issue and will forge on with further inquiries. You can then tell them that it’s a personal question and you’re not interested in discussing your love life with them.”

The Double Meaning Reply

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“We are trying, but it’s a long journey to the egg from her face.” Said one. 

“That’ll leave the asker with egg on their face, too!” Another added.

The Gayish Talks

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“I like telling people that it’s because I can’t get pregnant. They apologize and get visibly uncomfortable, thinking I’m sick and

can’t have babies or something. I’m just a lesbian.”

Be Polite, Direct, And Ignore

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“The response to rude, intrusive questions is a polite but surprised “I can’t imagine why that would be of interest to you.”  Then ignore the issue and walk away or change the subject.”

Be Dramatic Or Vulgar

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“Dramatically burst into fake crying, like screaming, can’t breathe, moaning, whimpering crying. Sputter out a few sentence fragments about them bringing it up so callously and your pain/ grief. 

And when the usual responses don’t work, I resort to blatant vulgarity. “I dunno, we do it raw all the time!” “We’ve got a big load marinating right now, fingers crossed!” “Swallowing is just more fun!” Etc”

Get To The Point

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“Who would be stupid enough to have kids right now?!”

Blame The Shootings

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“When school shootings stop, totally deadpan.” Said one. 

“My mom asked my sister when she’s planning on having kids. She explained all the reasons why she doesn’t want kids right now and I brought up school shootings. We’re teachers so it’s more of a reality for us. She had no response.” Another added. 

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This article was originally published on Mrs. Daaku Studio.